As a freshman I was sure that I had life all figured out, but now, as a Senior, I look back and realize how little I truly knew. Despite the fact that my four years at college have been filled with restless nights and stressful days, they have also been balanced out by watching God do great, wonderful, and mysterious things in my life. This year has been no exception.
Several weeks ago God closed many of the doors that I felt were the exact ones that I was supposed to walk through. Being a planner when it comes to things happening in the future, the idea of suddenly not having a game plan put me into a panic. For days I was in agony over what I was supposed to do, without direction my life suddenly felt rather pointless. I caught myself, several times, telling God that I couldn't live another moment without knowing what I needed to be working for. All the while I put on a smile and allowed the phrase "whatever God wants" to be my catch phrase, but deep in my heart I was a mess and I doubted that God even did have a plan for me.
At the end of my week, when I was feeling quite hopeless, I was lead to read John 6 for my devotions. Through three accounts of Jesus' ministry on earth I began to see something that I had never noticed before. Underlying the stories of miracles and ministry there is a theme of doubt. When Jesus was faced with the task of feeding the 5, 000 the disciples came to him and questioned him as to how he would accomplish this great task. Jesus then turns around and takes 5 loaves and 2 fishes and feeds all 5,000 people and has food leftover. Then we see the disciples go out in a bot on the Sea of Galilee and in the middle of the night they are overcome by fear because they do not recognize Jesus. They doubted his ability that He was able to do anything that He put his mind to, even walking on water. Finally we see Jesus asking His disciples "Do you believe that I am the Son of God?" This is a defining moment in Christ's relationship with his disciples because it seems that after all they have been through the light finally comes on and they realize that they have reason to doubt Jesus.
It was in that moment that I heard Christ's gentle probing in my heart and his voice telling me "Don't you dare doubt me." The conviction that overcame me was overwhelming and I broke down in a moment of realization that my God can carry me through anything and that my plan is never the best plan. Dear Reader, don't you ever doubt that God is not in control and that despite the fact that the door in front of you is closed take a leap of faith and keep walking down the hallway for another will surely be open.
